No one's perfect, I've got baggage.

I've been contemplating the idea of love as of late. Of falling in love, of being in love, of love fading away, and of being betrayed by love. Of being controlled by love, being blinded by love, learning from love, and making mistakes with love. Of taking love for granted. Of being terrified by love.

My most recent thought concerning love? How much baggage you acquire after being betrayed and crushed by love. Jonathan Larson said it best in RENT, that no one is perfect, we've all got baggage, and we're just looking for baggage to go along with the things we carry with us. I'm no exception. Do I have baggage?

You bet your sorry ass I do.

I'm overly confident because I'm terrified of being hurt again. I can handle being looked at as an object, because no one ends up getting hurt that way... but someone kissing me goodnight is terrifying.

I have insane trust issues, and it takes a lot for me to trust anyone nowadays. After everything that's happened... I don't care how sweet or innocent you seem. I feel as if everyone is out to hurt me, I can thank David Duncan for that.

The tricky thing about baggage is how it weighs you down, convinces you that you should settle for so much less than you deserve. I feel as if because I was duped, I don't deserve to be treated with respect and cherished. The idea of falling in love scares the shit out of me. Love, the thing that ties all humanity together, someone we all aspire to, hope for, cherish, die for... it's terrifying. Give me a giant spider any day over falling in love.

A spider can bite me, or creep me out, or lay eggs in my tongue if you listen to those old urban legends from middle school... nothing a bit of medical care can't solve. But falling in love? You lose control, you lose yourself, you drown in it, bask in it, trust in it... and when it doesn't work it hurts. It fucking hurts, more than any physical injury or medical emergency I've ever experienced. I didn't know what people meant by having a broken heart, but you can feel the emotional pain manifest in your chest, as if your heart was truly and honestly breaking beneath your ribcage, crumbling into a thousand pieces, never to be the same. You can fix a broken vase, but the cracks will always be there as evidence of the trauma it went through. Those cracks are baggage. No matter how hard you try to hide it, baggage is evident, you are an open book. "I got my heart broken" is stamped across your forehead every time you entertain the idea of starting a relationship with someone, simply because the thought of possibly having to piece that broken heart back together again is fucking exhausting... and you want the world to know that you are NOT going to get hurt again. So you drag along your baggage.

My fabulous friend Jimmy Flaherty found me a quote on tumblr (which, by the way, you should all find him on and follow him... he's very enlightening) that was very appropriate for my thoughts and this very post.

"Everyone has baggage from past relationships, but the person who really matters is the one that will stand there and help you unpack."

I wonder if that's true. Only time will tell, but it seems to me a romantic ideal. If someone could actually withstand the heat of having to unpack my baggage, to understand and cope with the ideas I bring along with me from my past.... he can't be too bad. Who knows, maybe that's the type of person I need to show me that there's no reason I need to bring my baggage with me. It's nice to have the security of past ideas.... but there is nothing wrong with leaving the past behind and starting fresh with a whole new load of luggage. Gloriously empty luggage.

Magic.

Reapplied at the most magical place on Earth.

Audition is set for March 22nd.

I'll keep you posted...

Madge Owens

Theatre has been an integral part of my life from the time I was in third grade. I made my stage debut as the a Lilliputian in FMCT's children's production of Gulliver's Travels. I don't know how many of you know the story, but Gulliver is a giant in the land of the Lilliputians, a population of miniscule farmers and village people. Lilliputia is only his first stop on his journey and he continues on.

Two weeks ago, I was cast in my first show in three years: Picnic by William Inge. Hal Carter moseys into a 50s town of high morals and classy women... a world different from the one he knew. Rough around the edges, Hal falls in love with the town beauty, Madge Owens, and changes everything about who she is and the world she knows.

To be honest, I thought our director was crazy casting me as Madge Owens. She is soft spoken, delicate, and a hopeless romantic. Never biting, never rude, and completely lost in a world of rich boyfriends and overbearing mothers. I could find nothing to identify with, nothing to sympathize with. This woman, someone I have to analyze and level with... someone I'm expected to embody in every way possible, giving her a worthy portrayal, what the playwright would have wanted.

In the front of every script, there is a brief summary of each character, and when I say brief, I mean a few words summing who they are. Madge Owens is simply described as 'a beautiful girl.' She isn't given any expectations, other than her flawless face.

BUT there lies the beauty of it... as I spend more time studying and analyzing her... the more I feel connected to her. A young woman, trapped by expectations of a family, wanting nothing more to be everything that she isn't. Tired of being seen as only a beautiful face, she finds this man to sweep her off her feet... who sees more than just a pretty face. He sees that she's a real woman, not just a flawless beauty like her steady boyfriend, Alan. I can understand that feeling, of wanting more than you are. Of feeling inadequate, and feeling like what 'gifts' you do have simply can't measure up to what others bring to the table.

As the show goes on, Madge finally finds her voice and inner strength. In a well written arc, she abandons her home and follows Hal to Tulsa, away from her mother, finally listening to her heart instead of her head.

Madge Owens is everything I thought I was before I set myself free. Something I couldn't see until I was already on my way to a different way of life. She seems delicate, but has an inner strength that no one expects or realizes. She is soft-spoken, but finds her voice, finds the words to say what she really feels when the time is right. She's a hopeless romantic, but that hopeless nature gives her the strength to fight for what she wants, and gives her the courage to take the ultimate leap of faith.

As I've been expanding my social horizons into the bar scene, I feel more and more like Madge Owens... just a pretty face with nothing else to give to the world. But you know what?

Fuck that.

Just like Madge Owens, I have so much more to give than just something to look at.

Come and see for yourself.

Picnic shows February 24-26, March 2-5 at 7:30pm, and February 27 & March 6 at 2:00 at the Fargo-Moorhead Community Theatre.

"Would you like ranch, bleu cheese, or celery with your wings?"

Today marks my two year anniversary of employment at Buffalo Wild Wings Fargo South. In honor of this momentous occasion, I'd thought I'd share some of my favorite BWW stories from employees and customers alike, and a bit of advice from a, dare I say it, veteran of the food service industry for the next time you decide to go out to eat with your family....

My very first day at Buffalo Wild Wings was a Boneless Thursday, and I trained with someone named Dennise Contreras. The very first words out of her mouth were, "the one thing you gotta know about working at Bdubs is that if you do something, everyone knows. This place is dramatic, and the girls here will eat you alive." ... great thing to hear on your very first day, huh? So I went about my business at Buffalo Wild Wings, learning the ropes, getting acquainted with the staff and management, and trying to keep up with the unbelievably fast pace of this crazy bar & grill.

Once you get into the swing of things, Buffalo Wild Wings is a GREAT place to work. After my second day, I got to experience my very first Blazin' Wing, a right of passage for BWW employees at Fargo South. Being the over-confident idiot that I am, I ate the entire wing in one bite, and declined milk. I distinctly remember tears STREAMING down my face, and maintaining that it "wasn't so bad" and I didn't need any dairy assistance. Just as a side note, I had heartburn for approximately four hours after that lovely experience.

One thing I've learned from working at Wild Wings is to NEVER underestimate the stupidity of the general public. I started serving in May 2009, and within the first week I realized how genuinely stupid some people are. My third shift after completing my training, I had a table of two "gentleman" (I use that phrase VERY loosely) sitting at a table, and I served them their food, drinks, etc. without a hitch. After cashing their table out and telling them to have an EXCELLENT rest of the afternoon, I hear them start talking about the "big pink tip" they would give me after my shift was over. I may not have been next to the table, but people tend to forget that there is NOT a magic vacuum around your table, your conversation carries... especially when I'm just one table away! Ah... the joys of booty shorts and sexual harassment!

If you think about it logically, every table leaves about $5 tip on average. My rent is $335 per month, ergo I need to wait on approximately 67 tables to make my rent every month. That is sixty-seven rounds of "boneless or traditional?" "Would you like ranch, bleu cheese, or celery with that?" "Are fries okay for your side?" "Yes, I realize that Samuel Adams is brewed in Massachusetts, but that doesn't make it a domestic." "This is not Wisconsin, we don't have Busch Light on tap." "Yes, we do have diet coke... no, Mountain Dew is not a coke product. Yes, Mountain Dew has ALWAYS been a pepsi product... yes, I'm sure."

At Buffalo Wild Wings, we have fourteen signature sauces and four dry rubs. These sauces do NOT include (and yes, I have actually heard all of these before): Little Asians, Asian Zingers, Par-mee-see-an Garlic, Spicy BBQ, Mongolian, Spicy Thai, Thai Curry, Jamacian Jerk, Balls Hot, Super Spicy, Honey Garlic, Dry Heat, Spicy Vineagar... just throwing out random words in varying combinations does not create your very own, new and improved sauce option...

Buffalo Wild Wings is a born and bred sports bar. We have an ungodly amount of TVs in a relatively small space, and there are always half cocked sports fans screaming wildly at their favorite team. Last spring, everyone can recall the heartbreaking game for the trip to the Superbowl... Vikes v. Saints. This was the night of my first dine and dash... only in this case it was a "punch a SAINTS can, slip on the ice, break your femur and run from the cops" and dash. No, this is not an exaggeration. You have to be here?

One of the most distinct memories I have in my serving experience happened on a fairly recent All You Can Eat Wing Wednesday. You see, many people see this as a challenge and eat an unhealthy, inhuman amount of traditional wings and fries. One such individual fought to consume fifty traditional wings... then projectile vomited into the door of the men's restroom while exclaiming "I'm so sorry Emily!" Apology accepted ;)

Over the past two years, I have learned many life lessons from the patrons and staff of Buffalo Wild Wings... some more valuable than others.

1. Ordering a soda AND a water is obnoxious.

2. When you order a flavored lemonade, it is inevitable that everyone else in your party will want to order a flavored lemonade. And yes, they are a bitch to make.

3. You are NOT being health when you order a tender salad with extra ranch. Just because the word "salad" is in the name of your food does not make it the healthy option. Neither does the word "wrap."

4. If your ID is expired, you can't have booze. It's as simple as that.

5. As a server, I am also, apparently, a janitor... to clean up the giant piles of wing bones scattered across the restaurant. I am a babysitter/nanny.... to watch children who are clearly NOT mine and make sure they don't get burned by trays of scalding food. I am a magician... because obviously only a magician would be able to get you a well done burger in five minutes or less.

6. The life skill of beer-glass carrying and silverwear rolling. Boo. Yah.

7. Never underestimate the power of regular customers. Or booty shorts.

8. Playing SHARK ATTACK is a valid way of passing the time... it is a big deal when you beat Chzhead.

9. Kitchen baseball is a suitable way to pass the time on a slow Monday night. Yes, Monday nights are ALWAYS slow.

10. Never, ever touch your eye after carrying a boat of blazin' wings.

My coworkers at Buffalo Wild Wings have become my second family, and I would be completely lost without them. If I really want to break it down for you.. I get paid to have a social life. YES, I do have to deal with the incessant complaints of patrons who just don't quite understand why ranch has to cost an additional $0.40 on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday when it's free/included the rest of the week... but I'll take the trade off. Happy TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY to me!

Girls are Stupid.

Sometimes it takes an unexpected observation from an unexpected source to get the point across. You can hear information over and over, but every once in a while it takes a simple statement to actually get the message through.

The source isn't important, and the context in which it was spoken isn't important, but the statement was.

"Emily... I just don't understand why gorgeous girls like you fall for shit like David put you through."

It's a simple statement, one that I've heard several times before... but it took this time, this person, for the idea to hit home. Why DO pretty girls fall for assholes? Assholes who use the same shitty lines on girl after girl to get them to fall fast and fall hard.... and watch things fall to shit.

Don't misinterpret what I'm saying, in no way do I mean that men, in general, are assholes. In no way do I mean that men are "out to get" innocent girls, always standing by innocently, always the victim. Without a doubt, those would BOTH be very false statements.

Ladies... we are idiots. Don't take it personally, because I'm lumping myself in right alongside all of you... but it's true. We're idiots. We buy into lies, we allow ourselves to fall for the first boy that tells us our hair looks nice, or that we look pretty... a guy that promises you the world, right? Says he'll never hurt you.

But you know what? He will.

Only a man can honestly admit that there will come a day that you might get hurt. Not that he's out to hurt you, but you might get hurt by something he said, or a mistake he made... only a man can say that he will make mistakes. If you can't handle that, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

I know I talk a lot about overcoming obstacles that are placed before us in life with dignity and grace. I know I talk about how important it is to have self value and self esteem, because all ya'll are beautiful. I know I tell everyone to not let what other people say bring you down... and that no one can make you feel like shit unless you allow their words to dig beneath your skin. But that shit isn't easy.

It's hard to keep your head held high when everyone around you is trying to bring you down, whether with words or by what they do.

Trust me, I've heard my share of "information" about who I am, so to speak. I've heard it all, that I'm down to Earth, that I'm smart, that I'm someone that any man would be lucky to spend the rest of his life with... but conversely, I've heard that I'm a whore, that I'm a serial cheater, that I will sleep with ANYONE because I slept with David first.... I've heard it all, and it's not pretty.

To further this point... I AM down to Earth, and yes, I am of average intelligence, but I do make more mistakes than I should. I do stupid things, say stupid things, and make stupid assumptions.

And YES, it took me a while, but I can say with full confidence that I am someone that any man would be lucky to spend the rest of their life with.

And yes, I made some mistakes. Yes, I fell for David's tricks, and got caught in his trap... but that does not make me dirty, or less of a woman. No, I never cheated. No matter what shit you're going through, it's not okay to betray someone like that.

BUT all of that does NOT make me a slut. I would love to say that people can think what they want, and I won't let it bother me... but truth be told, it does. It DOES bother me when I hear that people think that I'll sleep with them, by just looking at me or hearing rumors. It DOES bother me when I am ridiculed for the mistakes I made in the past. It bothers me when I try hard to keep myself going, and every one around me wants to bring me down...

... but I'm still here! And I know now that I can say this...

LADIES (and gentlemen, I suppose): DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THE BEST.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU ARE SMART.

YOU ARE FUNNY.

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise... ESPECIALLY yourself.

If you don't believe in you, why should anyone else?

This is WHO I am

This is who I am... this is who I'm not...

I would rather be vain... than be insecure

I would rather be overbearing... than be a pushover

I would rather be creative... than have straight As

I would rather be strong... than be sensitive

I would rather be hated for who I am... than loved for something I'm not.

I would rather be short... than be tall.

I would rather be self sufficient... than have to rely on everyone else for support.

I would rather be hurt again.... than never experience love again.

I would rather relive the last eight months of my life... than lose all the things I've gained from being hurt

I would rather have changed majors six times.... than be smug about never exploring my options.

I would rather have a good time... than mope about being unwanted.

I am the creator of my own destiny. Nothing can bring me down, no matter how hard you try.

I am proud of who I am. I'm proud of my faults.

Honestly... I'm a slob, I'm vain, I'm intelligent, I'm smug, I'm sexy, I make mistakes, I get messy...

most of all I am SO much stronger than you think.

Happy New Year, bitches!

Well... it's 2011. Did you accomplish everything you wanted? Was it everything you thought it would be? It's been a very interesting year... and I have learned quite a bit. So here's my end-of-the-year entry, recapping everything, in intimate detail. A short, but sweet, glimpse into my rollercoaster of a life that I lead. I hope you're ready.

In 2010, I....
-Got back together with my long-term boyfriend on January 4, 2010. We had our own personal New Year's celebration after a scare, and he promised he would never doubt his feelings for me again.
-Made it on the Dean's List for the first time since starting college.
-Continued to wait tables at a pittance for pay... making bank and developing a hefty shopping problem ;)
- Made my first visit to sunny Las Vegas, NV and fell head over heels in love with the scortching, dry heat. I was born for 113 degree, zero humidity weather!
-Got to experience the magic of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter with my mom and auntie, one of the best vacations of my life.
-Experiened what it feels like to hit rock bottom. Being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety was a huge low point in my life. Knowing my own happiness was out of my control was something I never thought I'd ever have to deal with. Feeling hopeless, worthless, like nothing mattered. Like I had no purpose... when simply breathing was something I could barely face. Adding to the fact that I refused to take medication for it... and being diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficet as a result of that. Watching my grades slip... not going to class because I simply didn't see a point anymore. I couldn't find the purpose behind it, so I laid in bed all day. I'd run the shower, and sit at the bottom under the stream of water for hours, letting the stream disguise my tears.... it was not pretty. I didn't know who to turn to, so I turned inward.... and found inner strength I didn't know I had.
-I woke up one day and realized how much value I had. I'm beautiful. I'm funny. I'm a unique, talkative character... and I'll be damned if I let ANYONE bring me down.
-I was betrayed by the person I cared for more than anyone else. I had my heart broken, crushed, decimated, destroyed, spat on... and I didn't think anything could hurt so badly. It was like part of me went missing. I honestly was amazed that my heart could continue beating after all the pain and destruction I experienced... but it did. And everyday it gets easier. And everyday I continue to have hope for the future, that maybe someday I can let someone in again.
-I got my very first tattoo, and love it. I love looking down and having a reminder of my strength.
-I struck someone out of anger for the first time in my life. It's not something I'm proud of, or something I want to repeat. It just.. happened. It scared me more than anything.
-I realized you don't fall out of love... love simply fades away.

This year, I've met some amazing people... and some old faces... that have greatly influenced my life and kept me truckin' along through the most difficult year I've ever had.
Above everyone else, my mother. She keeps me strong, and keeps my head on my shoulders. I would be lost without her.
My brother, who tells me how things are, and isn't afraid to tell me if I'm making the wrong decision.
My daddy... who doesn't even let me forget that I'm always going to be his little girl :)
Dave Duncan... who made me more angry than anyone else I've ever met... but he still helped me realize how worth while I am, and for that I'm grateful.
Rachael Johnson... for putting up with my stubborn ass on a daily basis.
Jimmy Flaherty... who helps me make good decisions, and has been a pillar of strength for me in a way he doesn't even realize.
Mitchell Skajewski... who continues to be my stronghold and support, even without seeing me or spending time with me. Always someone that can lift me up and remind me that I'm someone that's special, unique, and beautiful.
Stephanie Nienhaus... someone I should, by all rights and respects, loathe to the very core... but is the person who made me realize that forgiveness, though harder than hate, is something to aspire to. And be proud of.
Jazmin Shipley... for making me smile when I'd rather punch someone in the face, ha.

Now what? The year is over.... and I can only hope to beat out the shittiness of this past year.
My goals for 2011?
-Take up yoga, for physical fitness and inner peace.
-Get reinvolved in the performing arts. Something I've always cherished and been good at, but have let slide through the cracks.
-Learn to love again. Learn to trust again.

Happy New Year ;)