I'll show you Ruthless.

The days keep trucking by, another Christmas has come and gone, and the world continues to turn. I find myself facing one challenge after another, and the world continues to turn. I find myself facing shit that no one should have to deal with.. but the world continues to turn.

If I've learned anything the past six months, it's how easy it is to blame the shit in your life on other people.

For example... five hypothetical situations. You could look at it from this perspective...

1. You fail a course in college. Since you rarely fail, it's obviously the professor's fault. They can't teach, they are a bad teacher, therefor you fail.

2. You gain ten pounds. Your schoolwork is stressing you out, so you don't have time to eat anything besides fast food, and have too much homework to do any REAL physical activity... therefor, you gain a few.

3. You catch and STD. The person you were with was irresponsible and gave you the STD. It's not your fault.

4. Your job sucks because the management isn't understanding. They aren't sympathetic to your needs. The people you work with blow.... therfore your job sucks.

5. Your relationship failed. The person you were with was a prick, you didn't do anything wrong... they treated you like crap, you treated them like royalty. It isn't your fault.

Ideally, the world would work like that. Ideally, everything that happened to you would be exactly what you deserve... perfection. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work like that. Sometimes, bad shit happens to people for no reason... but most of the time.... it doesn't work that way. In reality...

The same five hypothetical situations, looked at through a more realistic view.

1. You fail a course in college. Even though you rarely fail, you were lazy. You didn't take notes, or you didn't understand how the professor taught. Maybe you skipped class too often. Maybe you just didn't try as hard as you could have... therefor, you fail.

2. You gain ten pounds. You've been stressed with coursework, but you'd rather spend less to eat like shit as opposed to dropping a few extra dollars on veggies instead of french fries. Sure, you're busy, but there's no reason you can't read notes and run on the treadmill at the same time.... therefor, you gain a few.

3. You catch an STD. Yes, the person you're with should have been tested, but the reality is, you make the conscious decision to engage in sexual activity. You knew the risks, you took the risks, and you caught the short end of the stick.

4. Your job sucks, but you go into work dreading every moment of every day. You don't expect anything but a shitty day, with frustrating people and frustrating moments. You get what you put into it.

5. Your relationship ended. Sure, he was a jerk.... but be honest with yourself. Were you perfect?

It's so easy to blame everyone but yourself, because no one wants to be the one that ruined their own life.

After six months of chaos, I've learned to own up to the mistakes I've made. I can take responsibility for the things that have gone wrong in my life, and I've come out with my head held high, ready to step forward and move ahead.

Can you say the same?

Life's Twisted Mirror

I try and live my life looking at myself in a positive light. When I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I don't see perfection, but I see something beautiful. I see mistakes, I see flaws. I see a ribcage that looks like it could be a percussion instrument if you struck it with a mallet. I see a nose that may have been smacked a few times too many. I see my skin, my naturally pale skin, complete with bruise-like birthmarks decorating my right side. I see a permanent battle scar. I see imperfection.

In that imperfection, I see something to be proud of. As a woman, and as a human, I hear and see what REAL beauty is supposed to be. Slender, physically fit women with stick straight blond hair without an ounce of frizz. Faces with perfectly applied make-up, not a hair out of place, with form fitting clothes and killer shoes. Men, with tanned, chiseled bodies like Greek gods, with meticulously groomed facial hair and designer jeans... all for what? So a member of the opposite sex MIGHT someday utter, "My Lord, look at that beautiful man," or "She is SO gorgeous."

The sad thing is that we're RAISED to believe that what I listed above is the ideal, and not to recognize the beauty in the differences between people. Different bodies, hair colors, skin colors... looking beyond the physical appearance and seeing beauty in others.

I will be the first to admit that I am vain. I take good care of my face, and I use it to my advantage. It's not something I'm proud of, but that doesn't mean I can't be an adult and admit it. I know I'm slender, I know I have a pleasant appearance... but that does NOT mean I'm not just as insecure as everyone else.

If I'm going to be honest, I hate my nose. I hate the way my hips stick out like lethal weapons. I hate that because I'm petite, people assume I'm a child and no one takes any word that comes out of my mouth seriously. I hate that I can't reach the take-out boxes at my workplace, and that I have to ask for help to grab cereal off the shelves at the grocery store. I hate that I can't run a mile like everyone else without excruciating pain radiating through my knee caps.

Above everything else, I hate that because I'm stereotypically "pretty" on some occasions, that people assume that I'm stuck up. That I flaunt myself for attention. That I can't wear the same things others do because I'm showing off if I wear it.

There is beauty everywhere. I just wish that people didn't have to knock each other down in order to build their self-esteem up. Bullying doesn't stop after elementary school lunch, I'll tell you that much right now.

It's forever.

A New Achilles Heel

I tell myself consistently that I'm tough. Which I am. I've been through a lot of emotional distress, and by all rights I should be the most anti-relationship person out there. After everything that's happened between my long term boyfriend falling in love with someone else and lying about it, having an emotional affair, possibly cheating (who knows, right?) among other things... to the rebound from hell that tried to control every aspect of my life, I should be about ready to swear off men all together. After being threatened with kidnapping and death, you'd think I'd want to do anything but find a partner.

Which is wear my life gets tricky. I never seem to be looking... but in this case, something may have fallen into my lap.

It isn't simple, but nothing in my life ever is.

I don't understand it, so don't ask me why I do the things I do or feel the way I feel. It's just gravity.

I know I come off laid back and chill, but in reality all I want is a nice guy. I don't need money, I don't need gifts, I just need someone who won't be a dick at the end of the day if I decide to hang out with a friend instead of him.

I can never go after someone "easy." Not sexually speaking, just simple to figure out. I always have to go for the stressed one.

In this case... it's a challenge.

But challenge accepted.

I know you underestimate me... I can see it.

I also know I'll weasel my way in. I can be very convincing.

You're my new achilles heel. You bring out a weakness in me that I can't explain. You... confuse me.

Inked.

It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but I finally did it. Finally got inked! It's beautiful. I adore it. It has so much meaning, and I feel like one chapter of my life has finally closed and I can finally move on... move on with my life. Move on with myself, everything. It's beautiful.

After everything that I've gone through the past four years of my life, this is the culmination. A beautiful battle scar that I can carry with me for the rest of my life, and a life lesson that I will never forget.

Self worth, facilitated by twenty minutes of pain... I'll take the tradeoff any day of the week.

One thing is for sure, I can understand now how people become addicted to getting a tattoo... it's a one of a kind experience.

Post-Disney Dreams

Being rejected from the College Program didn't devastate me like I thought it would.

Sure, I was disappointed, but I didn't shed a tear for what could have been or what I was missing out on. I know it sounds crazy, but I think this entire thing may have worked out in my favor. Hanging around F-town may have its advantages.... and I do love a challenge. I forsee many upcoming challenges... some of which I'm actually looking forward to pursuing and overcoming.

As for recent developments, I'm getting my first tattoo tomorrow. It may be showing my inner theater geek, but it actually has significant meaning.

I don't know how many of you have heard the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, but the lyrics have really struck a chord with me after the past six months....

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap...

It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down.

... I'm through accepting limits cause someone says they're so.

Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost

Well if THAT'S LOVE, it comes at much too high a cost.

I'd sooner buy defying gravity.

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down.

... So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky.

As someone told me lately

Everyone deserves a chance to fly!

And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.

To those who ground me, take a message back from me.

Tell them how I am defying gravity.

I'm flying high and defying gravity.

And soon I'll match them in renown.

And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was,

Is ever going to bring me down."

After everything that happened the past few months of my life, and the past four years of my life... there's somethings I've learned...

1. NEVER sacrifice who you are for someone else. You are beautiful, and you are good enough just the way you are.

2. Things can only change if you try.

3. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, it's what you do after that that sets you apart from everyone else. It's our choices, not our circumstances, that make us who we are.

4. I don't care who you are or where you come from, this is the only life you're going to have... don't live a single day with regret.

So as of this time tomorrow, I'll have the words 'Defy Gravity' permanently etched into my skin. I'm looking at the pain involved as a final dose of pain, and a soothing catharsis to permanently let go of everything that's been holding me back for all this time. I'm moving on with my life, and every time I doubt it, I can look in the mirror and see a permanent reminder of everything I've learned.

I am beautiful. I am strong. And to hell with you if you don't think I deserve better.

Keep Soaring.

Emily

Happy December

A festive icy blue is in order, December is upon us. While I still have not heard from Disney, I'm close to a week until the deadline... so I'll know soon, either way. Eight days at most until I know if I'm going to Disney World, or if I'm going to have to find something else to save my life, metaphorically speaking.

This semester has been so hard. A roller coaster of emotions is a complete understatement.

I've been betrayed. I've been heartbroken. I've been abused. I've been degraded, humiliated, and for lack of a better word... hurt. I've never hurt so badly in my life. And as someone who tries to create my own luck and create my own happiness... I'm finding it harder everyday to have hope for a positive change. I've stopped sleeping, I've lost hope.

My dad always tells me not to put all my eggs in one basket, but truthfully... Disney is the only basket I have. If I don't get into Disney, I'll be in Fargo until at least August. A very long time. Florida is my selfish escape from my life. I don't know how else to deal with my collapsing life except to run away from it entirely. Thousands of miles seems like a far enough distance to scurry away from the things that are making me cringe, making me relapse, making me remember what it feels like to be depressed. To be lonely. To feel worthless and sad all the time. Mickey Mouse can solve that. The magic of Disney can solve that. Helping families create memories just like the ones I have of my time there can solve that. They just have to give me the opportunity. It's entirely in their hands, but I know for a fact that I am everything that Disney is looking forward. Above all else, I believe in the power of your imagination. It can save your life.

On an uplifting note, I finally got to talk to Mitch Skajewski today. This is an entirely huge deal, because he can make me smile when no one else can. Sky is a very unique person in my life, I feel a connection with him unlike any other friendship I have. When he hurts, I hurt... more so than is probably healthy or than I will probably ever understand. Although I haven't seen him in a long time, just hearing his voice brings me comfort and reminds me that everything is going to be okay. Eventually. Maybe not right away, but someday they will be. I have to rely on that. He's my pillar, even if he doesn't know it. Sky is a character, which makes sense since I met him through the performing arts.... but really. He is animated, he makes me smile, and he makes me feel so beautiful, not because he tells me I am (which he does) but because I feel like a good person when I'm with him. I often wonder how different my life would be if certain circumstances hadn't existed the way they did, and a lot of those thoughts revolve around Mitch. Where would I be if I never agreed to participating in The Glass Menagerie? Would I be who I am today? Sky has changed my life, something I will be eternally indebted to him for.

Someday I'll understand. Someday everything will make sense. Not today, but someday.

Until then...

Emily