Overcoming Obstacles, and other motivational shit like that.

From the outside looking in, and from my side looking out, my life is pretty breathtaking. I have a fabulous support system, wonderful friends and family that I would give anything to protect, I'm smart, talented, and I have a good head on my shoulders (not to brag or anything).

But I've gone through a lot to make it this far and to get to where I am today. I'm going to share a few of these things with you, not only because I finally have the strength to do it, but because I'm hoping I can help someone else out there that is currently going through what I did.

As most of you know, this past fall was a very rough time for me. At the end of the summer I ended a four year relationship, and it didn't end on good terms. Betrayal is something I've written about previously, and while I'm no longer bitter about the choices he made, I still feel badly about losing that individual in my life. But that is neither here nor there. Immediately following my breakup, I rebounded in the worst of ways. His name was David, and he seemed nice. Everyone around me quickly discovered that he was "too" nice, something I was too blind to see until it was too late. I was hurting, and David seemed to care about me, and wanted to take care of me, to fix my battle wounds and help me heal from my heartbreak... on the surface, he looked like a godsend, sent to pick me up and allow me to move on.

Things went okay for a while, I caught him reading through my cell phone frequently, something that always bothered me, but I never confronted him. His "caring" nature turned to obsession.... always wanting to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, trying to control the clothes I wore, how I fixed my hair... who I was calling or seeing on a minute-to-minute basis. Despite all these things, I thought I was happy.

Things took a turn for the worse in October. He got... for lack of a better word, scary. His possessiveness reached beyond normal jealousy, and he spent a majority of his time with me berating me. I'd never been yelled at before, but I have now. David would get in my face and scream at the top of his lungs, with his hands on my shoulders. Throwing me up against the wall, telling me how much of a whore I was, how I was dishonest, and how I was a manipulative bitch, that was only out to hurt him, to hurt everyone around me. I was self-centered... and even though I knew what he was doing was wrong, I STILL maintained he was a good person at heart, and I defended him to the ground to everyone that was concerned for me.

The end of October was the turning point for me, when things actually sunk in and I realized how scary he actually was... but by then it was too late, I was trapped. Shit hit the fan on the night of Halloween, when I maintained I would never forgive him for the things he said and what he did to my roommates and myself. The next day I went to talk legal action with him... and he threatened me. He told me that if I ever left him, that I would never see my roommate or her boyfriend again. Looking back, it was a hollow, empty threat, but at the time, I was terrified. I knew by staying with him I'd be risking my personal safety. I knew I could get hurt; however, at that point none of that mattered, I had to protect my friends. So I stuck around for another month. I let him take advantage of me. I won't go into details, but I was stuck in a full-on abusive relationship... and it was terrifying. More than the physical aspects... trust me, getting chunks of hair ripped from your scalp is nothing to bat an eye at, being screamed at on a day-to-day basis really gets you down. Already battling depression and anxiety stemming from my last failed relationship, a lot of the things David said to me really hit home. That I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't caring, and that I was not a good person.

The details escape me, I've blocked them out, but I got out. I left the relationship and I've come full circle. I've coped, I've processed, and I came out alive. I often marvel at my own strength ;)

I am NOT sharing this story to start a pity party for myself, or to have anyone feel bad for me. I don't need it, I'm just fine without it. I'm sharing this part of my life because I want ANYONE out there that feels trapped or is in a relationship like this to know you aren't alone. I can say with full honesty that I know how it feels to be trapped, to have no escape, and to feel like you are worth nothing. I know what it feels like to maintain that the person you're with doesn't mean to hurt you, it just happens, and I KNOW how hard it is to try and walk away.

There's always someone there to support you, and if no one else, you can come to me.

Official Updates...

Everything Disney affiliated will be published in purple... because WDWCP is big into purple :)

I formally accepted my invitation last night after rehearsal, and it was SO exciting! I've never been so excited for anything! Just the simple planning associated with the program... ahhhh! Normally I'm a bit more eloquent and classy with my language, but I just can't sit still or give the words I want to give! I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

My program check-in date is Monday, August 8. The tentative plan is to drive to Omaha, NE on the previous Wednesday to pick up my auntie Beep... then use Thursday and Friday to make the drive down to Florida.... meet my mom, who plans on flying down, on Saturday, spend the weekend getting my feet wet and doing some last-minute family bonding in Orlando. When Monday rolls around, my family will see me get settled in, then leave me in FLORIDA and return home to Fargo.

The program's end date is January 6, 2012 if I choose not to extend my stay. As far as return visits go... I won't be allowed to come home over Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween (I know, too cute, right?) or over the Christmas holiday... but I'm shooting for a short visit in November, we'll see.

Things are coming together! I'm overly excited! Love love love.

!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe this! It's official!! I have been officially accepted to Walt Disney World's Fall 2011 College Program!!!

I'm definitely in a daze about the entire thing. Completely NUMB. Definitely hasn't hit me full force yet that in six months time I will be a Florida resident working for the happiest place on earth!

I'll be receiving my official arrival date by tomorrow, so I'll share that as soon as I know. I also have a character performance audition in Minneapolis on March 22, so look back for more updates soon!

The impossible is possible, my life is turning around.... :)

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

-Walt Disney

Run, Joey, Run

I have a confession to make.

I, Emily Ann Jorgenson, am a runner. I run fast, I run from anything good or with potential to make me happy. I push people out the door with abrasive humor or advances, and if they don't walk away I make a mad dash outta there like a bat out of hell.

"But Emily... why do you run?"

THAT is an excellent question, and I have an excellent answer...

It's because I'm fucking terrified of getting hurt.

To put it bluntly, my previous relationships completely shattered my belief in loyalty in a relationship. My faith in commitment has been completely decimated, and my viewpoints on love have been completely obliterated and anally fucked without the courtesy of lubing it up with Astroglide first. Love is supposed to be something comforting, and something you desire, hope for, and embrace with open arms.

To me love is scary, because being in love allowed me to let my guard down, and feel the strongest emotion I've ever known:

betrayal.

There is a quote that perfectly describes how despicable the idea of betrayal is. It's by Steven Dietz, and I feel that sharing it is the only way to voice how strongly I feel about betraying your friends:

"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

The slaughter of hope. Destruction of the thing that keeps humanity going when times seem the darkest... and being betrayed destroys that life support.

But I digress... I am a runner. Because I've been betrayed, and I'm afraid of that feeling.

Beyond that, I run because I'm scared. I'm scared that they are going to discover that they really don't like me all that much.

I'm afraid I'm not good enough, and I don't deserve someone that treats me well.

I'm afraid of falling in love again... because love hurt so badly before.

I need to take a leap of faith.

I need to let go of my worries.

I need to relax.

I need to allow someone beneath this armor I've built around my heart.

I need to give someone a chisel to chip away at the stony exterior I've worked so hard to create.

No one's perfect, I've got baggage.

I've been contemplating the idea of love as of late. Of falling in love, of being in love, of love fading away, and of being betrayed by love. Of being controlled by love, being blinded by love, learning from love, and making mistakes with love. Of taking love for granted. Of being terrified by love.

My most recent thought concerning love? How much baggage you acquire after being betrayed and crushed by love. Jonathan Larson said it best in RENT, that no one is perfect, we've all got baggage, and we're just looking for baggage to go along with the things we carry with us. I'm no exception. Do I have baggage?

You bet your sorry ass I do.

I'm overly confident because I'm terrified of being hurt again. I can handle being looked at as an object, because no one ends up getting hurt that way... but someone kissing me goodnight is terrifying.

I have insane trust issues, and it takes a lot for me to trust anyone nowadays. After everything that's happened... I don't care how sweet or innocent you seem. I feel as if everyone is out to hurt me, I can thank David Duncan for that.

The tricky thing about baggage is how it weighs you down, convinces you that you should settle for so much less than you deserve. I feel as if because I was duped, I don't deserve to be treated with respect and cherished. The idea of falling in love scares the shit out of me. Love, the thing that ties all humanity together, someone we all aspire to, hope for, cherish, die for... it's terrifying. Give me a giant spider any day over falling in love.

A spider can bite me, or creep me out, or lay eggs in my tongue if you listen to those old urban legends from middle school... nothing a bit of medical care can't solve. But falling in love? You lose control, you lose yourself, you drown in it, bask in it, trust in it... and when it doesn't work it hurts. It fucking hurts, more than any physical injury or medical emergency I've ever experienced. I didn't know what people meant by having a broken heart, but you can feel the emotional pain manifest in your chest, as if your heart was truly and honestly breaking beneath your ribcage, crumbling into a thousand pieces, never to be the same. You can fix a broken vase, but the cracks will always be there as evidence of the trauma it went through. Those cracks are baggage. No matter how hard you try to hide it, baggage is evident, you are an open book. "I got my heart broken" is stamped across your forehead every time you entertain the idea of starting a relationship with someone, simply because the thought of possibly having to piece that broken heart back together again is fucking exhausting... and you want the world to know that you are NOT going to get hurt again. So you drag along your baggage.

My fabulous friend Jimmy Flaherty found me a quote on tumblr (which, by the way, you should all find him on and follow him... he's very enlightening) that was very appropriate for my thoughts and this very post.

"Everyone has baggage from past relationships, but the person who really matters is the one that will stand there and help you unpack."

I wonder if that's true. Only time will tell, but it seems to me a romantic ideal. If someone could actually withstand the heat of having to unpack my baggage, to understand and cope with the ideas I bring along with me from my past.... he can't be too bad. Who knows, maybe that's the type of person I need to show me that there's no reason I need to bring my baggage with me. It's nice to have the security of past ideas.... but there is nothing wrong with leaving the past behind and starting fresh with a whole new load of luggage. Gloriously empty luggage.

Magic.

Reapplied at the most magical place on Earth.

Audition is set for March 22nd.

I'll keep you posted...

Madge Owens

Theatre has been an integral part of my life from the time I was in third grade. I made my stage debut as the a Lilliputian in FMCT's children's production of Gulliver's Travels. I don't know how many of you know the story, but Gulliver is a giant in the land of the Lilliputians, a population of miniscule farmers and village people. Lilliputia is only his first stop on his journey and he continues on.

Two weeks ago, I was cast in my first show in three years: Picnic by William Inge. Hal Carter moseys into a 50s town of high morals and classy women... a world different from the one he knew. Rough around the edges, Hal falls in love with the town beauty, Madge Owens, and changes everything about who she is and the world she knows.

To be honest, I thought our director was crazy casting me as Madge Owens. She is soft spoken, delicate, and a hopeless romantic. Never biting, never rude, and completely lost in a world of rich boyfriends and overbearing mothers. I could find nothing to identify with, nothing to sympathize with. This woman, someone I have to analyze and level with... someone I'm expected to embody in every way possible, giving her a worthy portrayal, what the playwright would have wanted.

In the front of every script, there is a brief summary of each character, and when I say brief, I mean a few words summing who they are. Madge Owens is simply described as 'a beautiful girl.' She isn't given any expectations, other than her flawless face.

BUT there lies the beauty of it... as I spend more time studying and analyzing her... the more I feel connected to her. A young woman, trapped by expectations of a family, wanting nothing more to be everything that she isn't. Tired of being seen as only a beautiful face, she finds this man to sweep her off her feet... who sees more than just a pretty face. He sees that she's a real woman, not just a flawless beauty like her steady boyfriend, Alan. I can understand that feeling, of wanting more than you are. Of feeling inadequate, and feeling like what 'gifts' you do have simply can't measure up to what others bring to the table.

As the show goes on, Madge finally finds her voice and inner strength. In a well written arc, she abandons her home and follows Hal to Tulsa, away from her mother, finally listening to her heart instead of her head.

Madge Owens is everything I thought I was before I set myself free. Something I couldn't see until I was already on my way to a different way of life. She seems delicate, but has an inner strength that no one expects or realizes. She is soft-spoken, but finds her voice, finds the words to say what she really feels when the time is right. She's a hopeless romantic, but that hopeless nature gives her the strength to fight for what she wants, and gives her the courage to take the ultimate leap of faith.

As I've been expanding my social horizons into the bar scene, I feel more and more like Madge Owens... just a pretty face with nothing else to give to the world. But you know what?

Fuck that.

Just like Madge Owens, I have so much more to give than just something to look at.

Come and see for yourself.

Picnic shows February 24-26, March 2-5 at 7:30pm, and February 27 & March 6 at 2:00 at the Fargo-Moorhead Community Theatre.