Run, Joey, Run

I have a confession to make.

I, Emily Ann Jorgenson, am a runner. I run fast, I run from anything good or with potential to make me happy. I push people out the door with abrasive humor or advances, and if they don't walk away I make a mad dash outta there like a bat out of hell.

"But Emily... why do you run?"

THAT is an excellent question, and I have an excellent answer...

It's because I'm fucking terrified of getting hurt.

To put it bluntly, my previous relationships completely shattered my belief in loyalty in a relationship. My faith in commitment has been completely decimated, and my viewpoints on love have been completely obliterated and anally fucked without the courtesy of lubing it up with Astroglide first. Love is supposed to be something comforting, and something you desire, hope for, and embrace with open arms.

To me love is scary, because being in love allowed me to let my guard down, and feel the strongest emotion I've ever known:

betrayal.

There is a quote that perfectly describes how despicable the idea of betrayal is. It's by Steven Dietz, and I feel that sharing it is the only way to voice how strongly I feel about betraying your friends:

"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

The slaughter of hope. Destruction of the thing that keeps humanity going when times seem the darkest... and being betrayed destroys that life support.

But I digress... I am a runner. Because I've been betrayed, and I'm afraid of that feeling.

Beyond that, I run because I'm scared. I'm scared that they are going to discover that they really don't like me all that much.

I'm afraid I'm not good enough, and I don't deserve someone that treats me well.

I'm afraid of falling in love again... because love hurt so badly before.

I need to take a leap of faith.

I need to let go of my worries.

I need to relax.

I need to allow someone beneath this armor I've built around my heart.

I need to give someone a chisel to chip away at the stony exterior I've worked so hard to create.