But I've gone through a lot to make it this far and to get to where I am today. I'm going to share a few of these things with you, not only because I finally have the strength to do it, but because I'm hoping I can help someone else out there that is currently going through what I did.
As most of you know, this past fall was a very rough time for me. At the end of the summer I ended a four year relationship, and it didn't end on good terms. Betrayal is something I've written about previously, and while I'm no longer bitter about the choices he made, I still feel badly about losing that individual in my life. But that is neither here nor there. Immediately following my breakup, I rebounded in the worst of ways. His name was David, and he seemed nice. Everyone around me quickly discovered that he was "too" nice, something I was too blind to see until it was too late. I was hurting, and David seemed to care about me, and wanted to take care of me, to fix my battle wounds and help me heal from my heartbreak... on the surface, he looked like a godsend, sent to pick me up and allow me to move on.
Things went okay for a while, I caught him reading through my cell phone frequently, something that always bothered me, but I never confronted him. His "caring" nature turned to obsession.... always wanting to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, trying to control the clothes I wore, how I fixed my hair... who I was calling or seeing on a minute-to-minute basis. Despite all these things, I thought I was happy.
Things took a turn for the worse in October. He got... for lack of a better word, scary. His possessiveness reached beyond normal jealousy, and he spent a majority of his time with me berating me. I'd never been yelled at before, but I have now. David would get in my face and scream at the top of his lungs, with his hands on my shoulders. Throwing me up against the wall, telling me how much of a whore I was, how I was dishonest, and how I was a manipulative bitch, that was only out to hurt him, to hurt everyone around me. I was self-centered... and even though I knew what he was doing was wrong, I STILL maintained he was a good person at heart, and I defended him to the ground to everyone that was concerned for me.
The end of October was the turning point for me, when things actually sunk in and I realized how scary he actually was... but by then it was too late, I was trapped. Shit hit the fan on the night of Halloween, when I maintained I would never forgive him for the things he said and what he did to my roommates and myself. The next day I went to talk legal action with him... and he threatened me. He told me that if I ever left him, that I would never see my roommate or her boyfriend again. Looking back, it was a hollow, empty threat, but at the time, I was terrified. I knew by staying with him I'd be risking my personal safety. I knew I could get hurt; however, at that point none of that mattered, I had to protect my friends. So I stuck around for another month. I let him take advantage of me. I won't go into details, but I was stuck in a full-on abusive relationship... and it was terrifying. More than the physical aspects... trust me, getting chunks of hair ripped from your scalp is nothing to bat an eye at, being screamed at on a day-to-day basis really gets you down. Already battling depression and anxiety stemming from my last failed relationship, a lot of the things David said to me really hit home. That I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't caring, and that I was not a good person.
The details escape me, I've blocked them out, but I got out. I left the relationship and I've come full circle. I've coped, I've processed, and I came out alive. I often marvel at my own strength ;)
I am NOT sharing this story to start a pity party for myself, or to have anyone feel bad for me. I don't need it, I'm just fine without it. I'm sharing this part of my life because I want ANYONE out there that feels trapped or is in a relationship like this to know you aren't alone. I can say with full honesty that I know how it feels to be trapped, to have no escape, and to feel like you are worth nothing. I know what it feels like to maintain that the person you're with doesn't mean to hurt you, it just happens, and I KNOW how hard it is to try and walk away.
There's always someone there to support you, and if no one else, you can come to me.
